May 2013
1 post
6 tags
The Real
The following, like everything I’ve ever written here, is an opinion.[[MORE]] Like all opinions, you don’t have to share mine or even agree with it. These are things I’ve seen in my local scene that are degrading the quality of local comedy.
Are you a fucking shitty comedian who is ruining comedy for everyone?* Does your 5 minute show have any music queues? Do you only do well...
August 2012
1 post
The Apology
A long time ago I wronged someone, by being a self involved douche. Today I took the first step towards fixing it. Below is a (slightly) edited version I sent to this person:
[[MORE]]
You’ll never know how you’ve impacted me. You’ll never know how much you taught me about being compassionate towards others. How in spite of radical differences in ideology and politics, people can form a bond of...
December 2011
3 posts
The Black Comedy Problem
This blog was inspired by a blog written by Leah Kayajanian, Leah is a female comedian. She hears this a lot.
I am a black guy, by no choice of my own. I am a comedian, by my own admission. Combining those two statements one can reasonably infer I am a black comedian.
I have a problem with this title, in that it implies I do the sort of comedy that is popular and prevalent in black culture. I do...
The CD/DVD You Will Never See or Hear OR How I...
On September 27th me and 5 of OKC’s finest comics performed a show at UCO’s famed constitution hall.
The show was meant to be a culmination of my two years in stand up, and I would use the event to record and document that progress and eventually release it commercially for a small profit.
THAT ISN’T WHAT HAPPENED.
The SHOW happened, and by all accounts it was a fun show...
The Friendship Fiasco
friend |frend| noun. a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.
acquaintance |əˈkwāntns| noun. a person one knows slightly, but who is not a close friend
My theory: I don’t have to like you to like your comedy; and because I like you doesn’t mean I like your comedy.
I have been doing comedy for two years...
October 2011
2 posts
The Arrogant
*This isn’t addressed to anyone, but at the same time is addressed to everyone.*
BY THEIR VERY NATURE, COMEDIANS ARE EGOTISTICAL. Read that again, it’s important. Anytime someone enters a profession where their entire sense of validation comes from the fleeting thoughts of strangers, ego is involved. And where egos get involved, egos get bruised. No one would do comedy if they thought they...
The Plea
Every night, knights armed with spiral notebooks and corded microphones do battle against an unrelenting beast. The beast is a hydra of sorts - cut its head off and more heads pop up, wanting more. A comedy audience wants to laugh, but more than to laugh, a comedy audience wants you to give them a deep belly laugh; a laugh they have never experienced. In that way, fighting and truly slaying a...
August 2011
1 post
The Internet Dating Situation
I make lots of poor choices in my life, I mean a LOT, but what started off as a drunken joke has led to a few interesting friendships and a constant reminder that sanity is but a dangling thread, to be cut at the first sign of criticism, judgement, or rejection.
If you know me, and you probably do, you KNOW I love internet dating. I think it is insanely fascinating. I am currently experimenting...
July 2011
1 post
The Craigslist Translator
Wonder what all those wonderful women on Craigslist really mean when they post sexy ads on the internet?
I am a country girl - Blacks need not apply I am average build - I have at least one friend fatter than me. I am not rail thin OR I have curves - I am in fact the fattest of my friends I just got out of a bad relationship - I need to tell some one how shitty men are, and how they ruined my...
May 2011
1 post
The anonymous criticizing annoying self hating...
The rest of this won’t be very nice, and I don’t care.
If you fit one or more of the following you can go fuck yourself:
People who repeatedly try to give me material, I don’t need your jokes, I turn over material faster than most comics I know, I don’t need your half funny “had to be there” joke. I promise. I write my own material, sometimes I work with other...
April 2011
1 post
The facebook/twitter meander
The following are my responses to facebook statuses I read while I was supposed to be paying attention in a board meeting:
Black suit brown shoes? Can you do that?
Oh that looks fun
Seriously? How big is this guy planning on getting?
Surely no girl will fall for that?
Is this bitch going to spell any of these words wright?
That quote is grossly misapplied, even if it means what you...
March 2011
2 posts
The delusional college girl
I have gotten to know this girl through her facebook posts, she is living the American dream and soon you can too!
Step one: Assume that every problem you are currently having is the result of a wider conspiracy.
Step two: If things are not going your way figure out who is responsible and then do nothing about it because they are your “friend”
Step three: If anyone points out an...
The Rules of Open Mic (a jaded list!)
Here ya go!
You will kill every time no one is watching
You are your worst critic, until you do decent, at which point everything you think is overinflated and wrong.
YOU WILL BOMB EVERY TIME THAT YOU…
Decide comedy is going to be profitable
Invite a girl you plan on sleeping with to see you
Invite a friend to see you after telling them how good you have gotten
Ask the owner to watch...
February 2011
1 post
The BEST place to BUY electronics.
I apologize about how long this post is, and about how unfunny this may be.
I used to work at an electronic super store, kind of like Circuit City, but more blue (THIS IS FORESHADOWING BLUE IS MORE THAN A COLOR). Before this gets negative (and possibly hilarious) I want to say that thanks to this job I have a passion for photography and met five people that I don’t completely hate. With that...
November 2010
1 post
The bio
Every comic has a bio. Here is mine.
Brandon Patrick was born and raised in and around the Oklahoma City metro area with a few pit stops in Kansas City, MO and New Orleans, LA. At a young age Brandon figured out looks and personality were not going to take him very far in life so he decided to be funny, so funny in fact it often resulted in suspensions, loss of employment, girlfriends dumping...
August 2010
1 post
The Road Not Taken
It’s 2:38 in the morning and I am listening to a string of the greatest jazz albums I have ever heard (Time Out by Brubeck, The Marsalis Family Celebration, Come By Me by Harry Connick, Jr. and the Complete Charlie Parker with Strings) all of these albums feature groups of different configurations playing (or swinging as Jazzbos call it) with one goal in mind, great music. Up until 2 years ago...
July 2010
3 posts
The Drive-in
If you tip at Sonic you are an idiot.
My two biggest beefs?
1. If you expect tips, work in a restaurant.
2. Don’t name a restaurant after a fast speed, if you can almost guarantee slow service.
Tipping at Sonic is dumb, don’t do it. Everyone does it because they assume you should but let’s think about this logically. Sonic is a glorified drive through, the difference being they come...
sharilynjade asked: FACT: If a girl smokes cigarettes she will swallow your cum, no exceptions.
WRONG
WRONG
The Facts
These are thoroughly investigated.
FACT: The string on the end of a tampon is NOT a fuse…
FACT: Just because she says shes 18 on camera, does NOT make it so…
FACT: No is not in my vocabulary is NOT a legal defense…
FACT: AXE does not lead to sexual encounters with models, it DOES lead to your friends making you roll the windows down and sleeping alone.
FACT: When in doubt ask the...
June 2010
4 posts
The Moonwalk
Last year a “Bad” man died, we can’t prove it but I suspect he was a “Smooth Criminal”, after all “Billie Jean” probably had a “Child’s Heart”, and as soon as “She was Out of (his) Life” he went “Off the Wall” and found a “Pretty Young Thing” to “Give in to (him)” “In the Closet”. I just hope he didn’t “Jam” it in there because you don’t want “Blood on the Dance Floor”, okay maybe...
The Interview
Right after I got hired at my current job, I got a call from one of the many jobs I had applied to before. In my desperation I had applied to McDonalds, and as actually willing to settle for a job in mediocrity and self loathing. When McDonalds called I had neither a reason nor a desire to work there, but I knew that I could scam a free meal out of the experience if I just went to an...
The Family Band
I wrote this out 4 years ago and posted it on facebook. I am lazy so I posting it to my blog today unchanged, except for one word, I will buy you a beer if you can guess the word.
Based on a true story…
This talent agent walks in to a bar, the barman says “Hey Mike, the usual?? The agent says “Make it a double, I had a tough day. You’ll never believe the act I saw today I’m telling you...
The "Letter"
This is a message I got on Facebook about a month ago, at first I considered just quietly removing the sender from my friends list, then I thought of a more Brandonic solution to the problem, thus this note. I have been reading this note on stage for a few weeks now, and it gets great response, so I thought I would share it here for all to see, copied and pasted in all it’s glory.
**To...
May 2010
1 post
The Cock Block
I didn’t see you as competition, you were just enjoying your manga and vanilla bean frapuccino, I remember the non-verbal head nod you gave me as I went to order a tall white chocolate mocha, but something inside of you changed when she walked in.
I am not sure if it was your general unfamiliarity with the female form, or the fact that she was very well built and the copy of Alice’s...
April 2010
2 posts
The Real Ida Safari Or, how I am running out of...
“I kill mother fuckers, with cars!”
Today I am writing about Ida Safari,also known as Ayda Safari, also known as some girl in two of my classes, also known as Barack Obama. Ida was born January 23, 1991 in Iran, but don’t worry she isn’t a crazy Muslim!
Ida’s hobbies include, drinking beer, leading men on, and cursing… She curses a lot, like its borderline inappropriate. Ida...
The Virgin
One of my favorite books, since I started college has been Tucker Max’s tome of debauchery “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell”. The book has been practically required reading for college men for the past 3 years. In September 2009, Tucker released a movie based on the book and had a “premier tour” of college towns. The movie was a flop but accomplished the feat of introducing a broader audience to...
March 2010
3 posts
The Crying Game
I was new to Kansas City in August, but I had a fake ID from a boss at work (a serious internship nonetheless). I had a friend named James, whom I had met playing in some band at some bar a year or so prior, who knew the city, and as it turns out loved to play pranks. I asked him where a great place to go and meet some hot women was. James informed me “If you want to get laid, Missy B’s is where...
The Wallet
About three weeks after I moved into my frat house, I got a call from an old friend from high school, she had just moved into her new house down in Oklahoma City, I decided to play good friend and go see it and maybe get some free booze, its thoughts like these that will get me killed one day. Before I decided to go to her house, I got good and drunk, because as we all know; alcohol is the cause...
The Popsicle
In the middle of my junior year of college, I get a call from my friend Stephie, she and her roommate are throwing a party. Two hot chicks, free beer, I am down!
Once I get to Stephie’s house I notice something I had yet to see at a college party. A 2:1 ratio of girls to guys… Now at most of the parties you will find that the guys greatly out number the girls, at the best parties you can get a...
February 2010
2 posts
The Dress
Imagine this, a beautiful girl and I meet at a bar. I run some spectacular game, bounces her to an after party and the following happens.
She tells me that she never does this and I am not the usual guy she finds herself attracted to, so I take the opportunity to grab her face and make out with her. What happened next would usually qualify as a guaranteed lay, but in this unique case of...
The Scale
It should come as no surprise that men are still using the archaic 4-10 system to rate girls (girls are never rated below a 4 unless it is for comedic value). What might come as a surprise to you is that the system has evolved beyond looks. In talks with guys, I can point to no less than 8 systems of rating women that do not use looks as the primary basis.
The scale, which I have dubbed the...
